feelings of letting go

i hath not done what i say i would do. instead i completely broke down. i harbor much sadness turned into anger. this is a great loss. i've determined many things among them is what i no longer want in my life. i am letting go of the things i do not want. i know what i want, but it does not want me, and that itself, i do not want.

it was supposed to be a karma curse. something i had looked into. something that seemed neutral. i got the cedar. i collected the soil. gathered the river water. but you know what, something came to me. i know i didn't want to do this, so why was i doing it? it's almost as if i could feel the grasp of another life path, following me and leading me into somewhere i didn't want to be. this is all just so much.

so i didn't. i let it go. instead, i soaked myself in tears, as i come close by even writing this. but to give love out. not to any one individual but to the universe. i cast a protection spell. a complete one. one with an emotion i can not understand. i give love in the eyes of hate. this feels different. not something i'm used to. it affects me deeply and probably forever.