break

oh boy. what a feeling. the person that i really thought i'd be with forever and have kids and all that. future building, hand holding. love lovingly. i'm just not sure if i'll ever have the same feeling with any one ever again. I didn't do so much wrong. I've always communicated clearly. I did good. If I have anything to say about myself, I would say that I was a good boyfriend. was.

i'm in a really awful position in life to have to go through this, but i guess everything hits at once.this is really quite an awful feeling. i really shouldn't lean into this feeling too much because i can see it spiraling downwards in a very bad way.

i can't find any paper around me or anything but i really need to make a list of everything i need to know. if there's anything about a bad break and negative emotions it's that it can really cause you to forget, ignore and not pay attention to what you need to do to get yourself up out of the hole instead of digging it out even more.

get an apartment. not sure how i want to do this. i don't think it would be worth it to do this on my own but also it's hard to find good roommates.

the more i think about it the more i have to get done and it's just so stressful and there's no help i can get from anyone for anything. i'm really in a bind here.

i have a decent credit score but i really need to get an official income going. i need to work more. a lot more.

do i need to get my own storage unit? i have to think about that because i have a bunch of random stuff.

i have to go to the orthodontist to try and sort my teeth issue out but i should probably do a general check up because it's been a while

must finish my tax forms and stuff, i'm probably going to owe some money back which is going to suck cause i don't have much.

have to restart my car insurance. that's important.

i might have to situate myself with a P.O. box or something i don't know.

i need to learn to let go. i need to simply be there for myself. i won't get it out of any one else ever. i don't want that to be the case but you know what, this was the closest i ever felt to some one loving me for who i was. no one has ever felt so unconditional before. it was almost as close to pure love as it could be. but i guess it wasn't.

i never thought i would turn into this person that i am now. i was separated from my friend group only to be pushed out by another friend group which had so much friction. nothing in this relationship was easy except for diving into it. i was really on eggshells quite often and learned to hold my tongue and rearrange my thoughts into different ways to say them because i didn't have any ill intention - but it was perceived as so. i have so much passion and interest in a very wide array of things. i need to find my way back to those things and back to my roots. i can't be in another serious relationship because i wanted kids and a family. i'm already 32. it would be quite hard to find someone like minded like me and have kids within a couple of years.

i remember years ago talking with the moon and the moon telling me to not fuck up, not to make any mistakes and to treat colbi right. well i did. but i guess not everything works out.