mumblings

i used to live in the strings of the puppetry, in between the world where there is life and there is consciousness, parallel right next to each other, yet there i am, right in the middle. waiting to be discovered, but also realizing that it, itself, will never be discovered. this might prove to be a realization that is honorable and true. graceful and free, yet you know, perhaps there is a reason it is the way it is. maybe the best things aren't meant to be discovered but they just float. they float in the air never waiting for that moment to come because they know it never will. goodness, the most purest form and un-concerning in what and how others think about it. i'm not so sure there are so many of us, of them, of i. the pureness, that maybe i don't even know is absolute, maybe i just think i do. there is never anything in life that can guarantee any answers, least of all tell me how pure and true i am, to anything or any one. never will i know the tips of which way the scale is scored. am i neutral? i certainly don't feel bad, i feel absolutely amazing as a human being but i wonder for what reason there is this hesitation, almost doubt as to whether i am good at all. i think that just might be shame and personal history. i have done shameful things, as many if not all have in the past. but i try to work beyond that and get to where i want to get to in my head. in this life. this perfect image of myself that i see in reality, not in my dreams. i know i can get there, i know it's a lot of work, but what if i never get there? what if i'm never meant to get there, just like the true image of what you really are in the first place. just an unknown. goodness? comes with doubt and no answer. evil? same thing except maybe a little less assurance in that feeling, yet you know, i almost know for certain that there doesn't exist nearly as much evil as good. i'm not even sure what evil would look like within myself. i think of that sort of attribute a person would have, one that would be present and known. i can see no such thing within myself. i see the good things that are done in the world and they make me happy. i feel close to that feeling of wanting to save people, save humanity, save even just one person, or even an idea. hope. i feel connected with all of these things. death, destruction, chaos, corruption, dishonesty, i see no connection to these things myself. i wouldn't want to ever be connected to something like that, i'm not sure why any one would ever want to do that or any of those sorts of things at all. i'm not sure what i would do even if i were to come across some one with traits such those, it sounds so horrid. what do people even do in those sorts of circumstances? i'm all for forgiveness, retribution, a second chance, maybe perhaps even more chances. are bad people just hurt, lost souls? yet some times you release the bad into the wild, and as is the natural order of things, some times those same lost souls, go right back to being bad. i wonder why that is, but at least in my heart i think i already know. it is corruption but it is also to fall prey to being human itself. what good is trying to be good if you go back to being bad? such an effort that could be so wasted, but i guess what else would you do? just give up and continue doing the bad things you are? that just seems like you're racing to get down to the bottom, where you already are, but now you're just circling it. why not go back up? doesn't it feel better? how about you just stop for a second and maybe breathe. i feel like air is purity. sometimes when i feel like i'm going mad, i take a deep breathe and i can feel my entire consciousness change on the spot. my inside voice starts to get quieter, and suddenly things appear differently. my thoughts take shape that i can mold, and i can really feel myself. i've never felt bad, in fact i've felt good, for mostly a very long time. thinking about all of the bad things that happen, there is no way that i am connected to any of that at all. i refuse, i will not cooperate and if given the chance, i will shun and turn away. these are not things that i myself deal with, but i will help as best i can to steer any one or anything, any situation away from such dealings. i'm not even sure that i will succeed, that anything will even come out of it, but i just cannot help myself. i really can't. it's like a push that i feel within myself. i have to pursue, to continue moving forward no matter how things look. no matter what any one says no matter what comes into my pathway, i will grow with it. i will never back down and my tears will never hold me back they will help me. my memories help me, my universal friends will help me. we will get through this together, all of us.