how feelings mature

i think you stopped wanting to give me your energy, a long time ago.

how i fear for the future. such uncertainty. and now it feels like i won't make it to the other side. what is to come of me in some years? i don't want to continue with these memories of what was and what could have been. there's nothing i can do. hope, pray, think, meditate, yearn and dismiss my own emotions. i am not my emotions. i am not my thoughts. i am not the love that i have given and i am not the love that i have recieved. i am just a vessel living this life. this happy life. an already fulfilled and wonderful lifetime.

i should be happy with what i got. i just wanted more.

i feel so absolutely dumb. i still don't understand. i just don't get it.

you know that old saying "if i'm so amazing why doesn't anybody love me" or something like that, is about the way i feel. my last two exes beforehand didn't love me for who i was, they both loved me whom they thought i would be in their head. and now this.

all i can is let the tears turn to salt on my skin. maybe that will help with my exfoliating.

what a weird combination of wanting to let go but wanting to hold on so tight. i think about fighting for it all the time. wasted energy. dreams of show ups, flowers, songs and just being there. but it's all just a scene playing in my head and in reality, it's all brushed away. you don't want me anymore and i don't think you ever will again. i must let go.

love.