why oh why

lacking in deletion.

i'm starting to understand that movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind more and more. it's like i have all of these beautiful memories with this beautiful person and i'm blocked out of their life and i can't do anything about it. maybe i can, but i feel i shouldn't. i'm not sure if there are rules and if i should follow these made up rules but it's starting to really hurt which is odd.

i thought i was over this, i'm not even sure what's happening? maybe my sobriety is getting to me and my thoughts can't be pushed out, not that i was pushing them. maybe i just need to meditate and let all of this run through me, but the next day i wake up and i count the hours until it pops up into my mind again.

it used to be in the morning, when i would wake up every day for many many months, it was the first thing i would think about. now it's more-so towards the afternoon and at best the late evenings, yet still there it is. will it ever go away?

i have to accept that a part of my soul is gone. i want to have the strength to be able to take it back. i want it back.

please reach out to me, because i'm afraid. why did it have to be this way?